"I quit smoking 5 months ago."
"I've been clean for 1 year."
"I've been off 'the drink' for 8 months now."
I say . . .
"It's been 16 months since I began the search and rescue of the girl I used to be."
I found her.
Not only do I like her more this time around; I'm allowing myself to like her.
No.
I love her.
Reflection: My story is no different from most women. I battled my insecurities, like most girls did, by pointing them out. That was always the "in" thing to do--put yourself down, give people "are you crazy" looks when they compliment you, etc. I did this all with a dollop of humor. My humor is the reason I never suffered being a wall flower and I am grateful for that on so many levels.
I have always been blessed with the greatest friends. They are like sisters to me. I honestly don't know where I would be or who I would be today if they were not in my life. Real good life-long friends are the "six degrees" to your everything. Map it out, you'll see what I mean.
So, I had (have) these great friends (the keepers of all my silly stupid moments). I had my humor. I had my New Kid on the Block posters (I sense the slight nod of understanding from other "Blockheads"). It wasn't enough though. Then one day, my best friend told me all about the creative writing course she was taking at her school. She was so excited about it and I was definitely intrigued at the idea of writing down how you feel in a creative journal. They called it "creative" but it should been called an "awareness" journal. That's how you had to write, with a sense of awareness to your feelings. You had to dissect yourself. No problem . . . I dissected the shit out of myself! That journal then is what Yoga is to me now. That self awareness is so important! Kids need to question things. They need to figure things out for themselves. I was able to do that there. It was the best therapy. It was also the full launch of a dream for me. I wanted to be a writer. Sure, I always wrote poetry but this was different. And . . . I was pretty decent at it. I kept up with it right into my early twenties when I moved to Boston with some of my best friends. Often, I found my friend, Nicole, flipping through the pages of my journal to check out my newest entry. See? Sisters (nosy bitches). I should mention though, that I never minded this really. I actually took it as a compliment and still do.
"Someday, when I'm a successful Author, I'm going to have a summer home right over there!"
That was my usual declaration whenever I crossed the Tappan Zee bridge to and from visiting my family and friends in NJ. I love how those homes sit on the side there (looks like a small mountain) looking over the bridge, getting a breeze from the water (congestion from the fumes, honking from irate drivers, etc), etc. I often wondered who those people were. What was life like in that section of Nyack, NY.
Then I met my husband and he was quite supportive of my dreams. Supportive of my friendships. But as time goes on, again, my story became like most. Marriage. A baby. Another baby. And for the grand finale . . . another baby. Trips home became fewer. Phone calls were replaced by social media. You know how the story goes.
On a spur of the moment trip to NJ, my husband said to me, "Why don't you make your wish when we cross the bridge anymore?" I shrugged. "I don't want to have a house there anymore," I said. The conversation ended. I realized at that moment . . . I didn't write anymore. Nothing. Not even a poem. That little piece of me . . . snuffed. I then "snuffed" any further thought about it.
Re-connection: Sixteen months ago something inside of me "woke up". I'd like to sit here and tell you what it was that re-booted me but it wasn't just one thing. It was many things wrapped up into one. Half of the things make no sense in the achievement of the end (beginning) result. It was just time.
I began to read again; slowly returning to my book
And we gasped for air.
Well, she gasped . . . I wrote. *shrugs* We're both collectively trying to pull commas, semi-colons, etc out of the sea as well to find their proper homes. It's an "against the current" battle. Bear with us. :-/
In this amount of time, I've written a trilogy and just completed the first book to my newest series. I did this all while caring for my 3 children and going through a major life change. People ask me all the time how I'm able to do this. I'm able to do this because I found me again. I gained back my ability to dream for myself, not just for my children. I re-gained the ability to be positive and see the silver lining (well, I'm trying). I reconnected with somebody who got me through so much shit in my life. That somebody is me and I forgot just how f'in cool she really was/is. We never give ourselves half the credit we deserve, do we?
And so, I've made "re-connection" my resolution. I'm not waiting for the new year. I'm starting now. I've reached out and re-connected with myself. Now I want to re-connect with the other important people in my life (it's amazing how much you pull back when you are in the process of re-discovery). Social media is a beautiful thing. As much as I love the new friendships I've formed (especially in my book and BH communities), I'm sorta old school when it comes to my really close friends. We all get swallowed by life. But, if you don't know about a major life event happening in one of your close friend's life unless you check facebook--that's a problem. So, I pledge to make a concerted effort to carve time out to reconnect with some of my "sisters". I miss them. I miss hearing their laughter. The sound of laughter is much more powerful than the reading of "LOL".
Re-Invention: I suffer from Achievemephobia. "Achieveme--wha?" You ask. Yeah. *SMH* I freeze up right when I'm about to succeed at something. Is that not the stupidest shit to be afraid of?! WTF? The mind is an amazing thing. It's fascinating. In my case, it's also a pain in my ass! I have to say though, I have been busting through that imaginary wall. I'm scared as hell but, I'm crossing that finish line! At the end of the day, the only person to stop me is me. I just won't allow it anymore! I'm more organized than I have ever been (although the title of Princess Procrastinator sits firmly in place.) and I'm so determined to see myself on the other side. Not just for me but for my kids too. I want them to see, if you dream it, you can make it happen.
YOU are the ONLY answer to the equation that is your life. You can either make your life add up to what it should be or you can stop figuring out the problem and settle with what you have.
I've decided to fight my fear and make my life "add" up to where it should be. Will I be a bestseller? Crap . . . I don't know. I know, like with any book, that there will be a mixture of people loving it, liking it and probably not so much of either. That's ok. It's all subjective. My success is actually in the follow through; the completion. The ability to say, "I did it." The fact that I'm putting myself out there (pushing achievme-what-the-fuck? aside) is what happens when you add reflection, re-connection and re-invention together.
Goodbye Caution indeed . . . .
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